"giving up is the ultimate tragedy" robert j. donovan once said. but maybe it isn't. maybe... life is the equivalent of giving up. like, it's just one stupid, fucked up journey with endless chances for us to make mistakes and get hurt. sometimes i just wanna lie on the footpath and watch people go by. theres some kind of justice in doing that.
crap crap crap crap.
my specialty seems to be failing.
and wasting time.
let everything pile up and well, you'll just explode from the stress. i know things should get done, but,
I dont think
I dont think
I dont think
do I even care?
these days i'm kinda cynical. i give up before i even start. everything just seems enormous and impossible. life itself seems so daunting and most days i just wanna reflect on the past so the future seems like it's not gonna come. i feel like people have changed this year somehow, but they've probably always been like that. maybe i've changed. i suppose the worst of situations brings out the worst in people, but i can't help wishing that i'll wake up one day and everything will be like last year again. birthdays go by, reports are written, songs are shared... the days just keep on falling on top of us and the sad thing is, even if i could freeze a moment, i wouldnt know what to do with it anyway. its pretty miserable. everytime theres laughter or something remotely cheerful, i can't help thinking that this will all be a memory one day; it just wont last. if only we could be like superheroes and go flying around the globe, looking for ...the truth in people's eyes. yet instead we find ourselves perpetuating in self-loathing and pity. pathetic, i know. things are just the way they are though, and im not about to go and steer fate off its course.
humans will build bridges just to burn them, and i hope our lives dont turn out like that.
sometimes life feels like a maze. the end goal is something i know is there, but its so elusive that I always doubt its actual presence. looking back on the days when we were little kids eating icy poles and swinging on swings... I suppose we all have to grow up one day. thats just the reality of life. i dont understand how some people make it look so easy. they just glide through life, seemingly always knowing where they're going and how to get there. maybe inside they're feeling confused and lost like me too, but thats just what everyone says to make themselves feel better.
im scared to think that the world is changing and we will too. i used to think my greatest fear was death, or heights, or, I dont know, but maybe my greatest fear is change. the fact that its inevitable scares the shit out of me. its sad thinking who will still be in my life in ten years' time... twenty, thirty, fifty... its sad thinking that people really do come and go, and that maybe they only stay long enough in your life until they've... done their job, or something. maybe everyone you know is there for a reason- to teach you something. and once thats been learnt, they go. go go go go. and maybe the tragedy of it all is that we dont ever tell people the simple two words- thank you. thank you for the 3am conversations when i couldnt sleep. thank you for sitting on plastic chairs in the mornings and giving me advice. thank you for d&ms at lunch time. thank you for putting up with my rants, my bad moods, my frustration. thank you for being honest. thank you for your empathy. thank you. thank you. thank you for doing something i usually couldnt- believing in me. yeah i know its cliched, and saying that is a cliche in itself, but whatever. some things you've just got to say.
hands on faces, hands on hands, hands on the wall... the photos are hanging upside down now. the only thing i can see through this mist is a light, but it hurts to look at it, even though it's probably my refuge.
maybe people have built me up to be some kind of superhuman for all these years, and i dont know if i can live up to their expectations. i really cant stand that disappointed look people give you. well i'm sorry that i gave you something to believe in. i really am. i do hope i can make you happy.
maybe i just need a pep talk or something. YES YOU CAN. as if. i haven't got a dream. i dont even know if ive got a vision. im so lack lustre these days.
i see pictures of people smiling and looking, well, happy i guess. sometimes i envy them, but then again, what is life without misery? just empty space.
i guess not all hope has been lost, or whatever.
"one who fears failures limits his activities. failure is only the opportunity more intelligently to begin again" - henry ford
looking from that perspective, maybe the only way for us to actually learn is to fail. i guess thats harsh, but it's better than appalling.