"
LIFE
IS
A
BEAUTIFUL
STRUGGLE.
"

"a clean slate?"
i like the sound of that.

i hate deciding.

blood red tears of joy

we won't be seeing you for a while now.
and i know we only saw you once.
but for that 2 hours while we looked at you, i felt like i knew you, you know ?
like if i looked closely enough, i would see into your soul and all that would be there would be truth.
you're changing lives.
you're changing our lives.
because you want to.
because we want you to.
and i just want to thank you and love you and know you all the time.
and i know i can't.
so i guess this is enough.
(whatever it is)


p.s. thanks for the introduction, j.

this is why.

lines and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and party cameras with candles and best friends and ironic song titles (KILLING THE TIME) and two and hands and hands and hands and sweaty hands and waiting and reactions and re:actions and real names and single launches and home-made stickers on your dad's car (or locker) and american accents and little suitcases (she follows the band) and rain and phones with diseases and "sprinting" and waiting and confetti and pepsi cups and love hearts and flashes and weird aim and mothers clubs and being caged inside and waiting and theart and wondering and tickets(!) and encores and old songs and trying something new and video cameras and dead batteries and sore feet and sore knees and blankets (why didn't we think of that?) and plastic models and waiting and the "epic people theory" and karma(?) and seats on trains and hand gestures and missed phone calls and acoustics and jumping and jumping and jumping and kings & queens (one step closer to mars) and waiting and permanent black markers and good aim and panda bears with towels and waiting and runningrunningrunning down stairs and platform three and crazy faces (sometimes yawns) and singing along and right/left and buzzing ears and waiting for something greater that we just might be upon the brink of finding*. 


*this is what she wrote on a piece of paper, folded into four. 

5 + 0 = 5; 3 + 4 = 7.

i think that, just maybe,
i finally have

A

NEW

PERSPECTIVE.


(?)


an afterthought: maybe it really was enlightenment.

"DO SOMETHING TONIGHT THAT WILL MAKE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF" - J.L.

EIGHTEEN CLICHÉS CLASH WHERE WE LAY.

TELL ME ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

(right now, i'd rather not know.)

reality/real life

if you say so.

life through a magic 8 ball

when the sought after silence finally becomes a reality, and guilty sleep is wiped away from tired eyes, it seems the fear still remains, despite how much i try to convince myself it doesn't matter this much.




p.s. two days.

chasing sunshine

expectations are life-ruiners.
i didn't want this.

"arguments to the best explanation:

some fact A is true.
the best explanation of A is hypothesis B.

therefore B is very probably true."

bananas in rooms, suction pads, british indian irish kiwi welsh polish accents, unsent letters sitting in the desk drawer, the nightingale, throwing jumpers in bins, one green lunchbox, marshawks, propaganda, (stolen) blu-tac, C, guesswork, squinting, SPAM, princesses, "your future starts here."

i just hope this lasts.


or, if it can't, i hope we change into people who won't miss any of it.

whatever will be

why do i insist on relying on you for my happiness ?




you kinda suck.

the end is nigh.

i.e. their hearts broke for you.

i'm just full of bad ideas.



(sometimes i catch myself and think, you were never fooling anyone to begin with.)

the green-eyed monster

we are plagued with feelings we are unequipped to deal with.

(this is me asking for help. will you stand up to the challenge?)

heels over head.

it's funny how when you run backwards you can't seem to help but look behind you. like you know you're going to trip if you're not looking. it seems like it should be some kind of metaphor for some random life lesson or something deep like that.
who knows, maybe it is.
just... try not looking back next time, okay ?
it's quite.... liberating.

tell me i do. tell me i don't.

how will you ever know
what could have completed you
if you keep on letting go?

"truth or happiness. never both."

i clicked to go back home;
i clicked and wished for you.


(because
i like you.
maybe
i'm just like you.)

photobooth

you will live in our house one day.
yes, our house. i said it. it's destiny, or something not so cliched but just as awesome.

"i forget what forever is sometimes."

what
the
fuck
are
you
talking about ?





she is home now.
we can be happy.
and forgive ourselves.
for almost letting go.

love lifts us up where we belong

like fools
throw our lives away
one happy day
heroes ?
lovers ?




becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec
becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec
becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec
becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec
becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec
becbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbecbec

the world in colour.

up on melancholy hill
there's a plastic tree
are you here with me?
just looking out on the day
of another dream


well you can't get what you want
but you can get me
so let's head out to sea
'cause you are my medicine
when you're close to me
when you're close to me


so call in the submarine
'round the world we'll go
does anybody know
if we're looking out on the day 
of another dream


if you can't get what you want
then come with me


up on melancholy hill
sits a manatee, love
just looking out for the day
when you're close to me
when you're close to me
when you're close to me


p.s. thirteen days, eight hours & 45 minutes.

"final," because this is.

i
am
falling
behind
.


you don't seem to realise,
i could do this on my own.

sometimes i wish i could put the future on hold.


(because i'm scared of regretting this one day).

that's all for now, folks

we'll meet again;
i promise.

slut

sometimes i don't notice.
and then you point it out.
grenade grenade
think i'll save suicide for another year
just fuck off, would you ?
kiss here, kiss there.
he'll never know. would it matter anyway though ? do you care that much ?
fuccccccccck dance dance dance dance dance dance dance misery loves me feet fucking hurt mind fucking hurts what do they want ? fuck what do i want ? god knows who knows i dont know that's for sure if nothing else is, you're pretty pretty hot beautiful sexy gorgeous, wow you're blowing my mind, a hand down there no thanks, wish you were here (you know, you), wish i wasn't, god this is different to expectations (what isn't, these days?), god this is fun fun fun fun for the whole family ? not quite, hon, go somewhere else.




one day we'll know what i really am.
it'll be written down, on a list we'll make somewhere special.
till then, though, thanks for making me feel better about my own confusion (it just might help me work out what i want...)

(permanent) change?

forty-nine hours later and it hasn't eventuated yet. the words here were almost planned, but once again, they fell through. i know what i want to say (most of the time), and how to (most of the time); this time around maybe it's the why.

life happiness: defined by the number of times you check the time (?)

"the average person lies four times each day."

it wasn't.

it's you.

it's me.

i don't know.

i do.

before the steps and before we started living on prayers, it was ...easy.

and now it seems it's becoming harder and harder to put on an act that will fool everyone.

(i wonder if this is the end of what they call "life as we know it." it certainly feels like it.)

maybe i was stupid for thinking everything would be the way it used to be.

(when you ignore the world, a part of you expects it to be changed.)

and it isn't even what i once thought it was;

(the FUTURE* and the "present")

this time round i think you (and you and you and you) can feel see sense it too.

so, you know, and i do too.

question is, who's going to be the first to say something?

*if we were really dreaming, we would be happy. 

then again, this is beside the point. 

who knows, really?

i think i'm still trying to figure out just what happened myself though.

this doesn't mean much right now, but it will soon.

(i can only hope).

i don't know.

it just doesn't feel right.

p.s. if there's an apocalypse, good luck.

"you have tried your hardest to prepare, and that is all anyone can ask of you. we wish you the best of luck."

why then, oh why can't I?

apparently ignorance is bliss.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important to me.

this is important.

guilt, great-great-great-grandsons, CP, 3am grammar lessons, disdain/contempt/patronise, silence.

"see? i'm like argentina in that situation."
"no, you're not. you're germany; you've got two goals already, but you're thinking what if argentina scores in the last twenty minutes."

so they were right. hell is real.

i can see the shards of what happened when it came down to

people

pretending

to

be

pretending.

i can't make out what they are.

all i know is that they're yours.

"you left the light on."

pancakes, spiders, singstar, ovens, people in ovens, questions, talkingtalkingtalking, temple of doom = mount doom = temple of the wind (wind a toy car and it will(wake me up before you) gogo) = temple of the WINDS, volcanoes, sickness, empty bellies, hungry bellies, CRAZYCRAZYCRAZY, work tomorrow, NEW friends, old friends, nerves, anticipation, confusion, l o v e, laughing, foot fights (legs included, arms and hands NOT), laziness, craziness, bad singing (more like screaming), dancedance, facebook, "short people have no reason to ______", fold out couches (bedbedbed !), no parents, maccas (mecca?), talktalktalktalktalktalk forever you and me please (?)

mess.

"half my life i spend trying to get people to see what i see."

"i am right now incredibly in love with the world."

it's fucking crazy how filled with love my heart can be when it wasn't before.
just... don't break it, yeah ?
i'm enjoying this far too much for it to disappear in silent tears you'll never find out about.

everyone's a long story.

and everything is a discovery.

"do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? not being able to remember how you felt before."

you're already the voice inside my head.

"when are you going to realise that you're pure gold?"

people stopped trying to read her years ago.
they don't bother anymore;
now they're perfectly happy letting her slowly kill herself with nightmares that don't end when she wakes up.

p.s. don't look down (you'll always find me)

we can both sit here and pretend everything's okay, pulling the wool over everyone's eyes with our new catchphrase: "i'm fine," until the imagined trips to wonderland grow too old for our hazy minds.
"truth" is, you shattered the world.
truth is, i always knew it was empty.
that's the only reason i survived.

you're not actually edible, but i am going to eat you anyway. hope you don't mind too much.

i hate loving you.
loving you means hating myself.
despite this hate,
i will do it forever.
because i love you.

"the war is coming. mars is coming. this is war."

i hope one day i don't have to rely on you for happiness.

the happiest place on earth.

(

you crush dreams with your lies

)

happiness is just tragedy in disguise. i thought you, better than anyone, would know that.

hesitation

i can relate now.
i
am
a
changed
human
being.


maybe not in the good way, though.
i have yet to work it out.