"IN THE MIDST OF DEATH WE ARE IN LIFE."

"They will carry me to the field

Through the wreaths of mist

Moist on my face,

And the lamb will pause

For a throughtful stare.

The soldiers, they will come.

They will lay me in the dark cold earth

And  push the clod's in upon my face."

this is the best time we ever had.

i think i've lost my mind and then i find it again.
i'm sick of picking it up off the floor, dusting it off and putting it back. it's old, worn, torn, used, misused, trusted, hated, loved.
it's sick and sad and tired and eager.
it's old and young all at once.
it wants to know what it's like to let go, stay hidden, not be found.
lost forever in a world of dust mites.
it wants to know what it would be like to be found by someone else. to be put back in place by someone else, to be looked after by someone else.
it's holding out for that, my mind.

i'm only losing my mind

there
is
nothing.

The Cure

the best news i've heard in a while :)
now there's just the matter of figuring out how...
i can i can i can i can i can i can i think i can.

p.s. "you're breaking my heart." what exactly am i supposed to say to that? sigh (and a half).

we'll all be...

i don't understand who i used to be.
does this mean one day this will also be meaningless?

momentum cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed.

so here i am, wondering what else i've yet to realise has also ended.

she says it's sad to think we could have lost so much in the short amount of time we've been living. but maybe it isn't true loss; we're just growing up and moving on.

or maybe it isn't moving on at all when you're still wondering about it?

(or is that evidence that we want to let it go?)

if only we knew what we were letting go of, then we might be able to.

(or maybe we i do. i'm just too scared to face it.)



maybe.
it'd just be easier if you could always be there to tell me what to do.
it'd just be easier if we let go of it all.
yep, all of it, even the day you promised me that you'll make our dreams come true should we ever part ways.

late,
me.

"i guess disaster is kinda exciting to us."

we thrive on adventure, after all.

i love you to death and you're loving me to my death.

but we'll just have to wait and see whether that's a bad thing or not.

depression bouncing on depression

"you'd be number one with a bullet."

maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why.

"it covers my eyes. it's all i can see. say there's some kids playing baseball. all i see is the one kid they won't let play because he tells corny jokes. and no-one thinks they're funny. or i see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. i just see that they're gonna be one of those sad, old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can't even look at each other in the eye. and i feel it. i feel all of their sadness. i feel it probably even worse than that sad, old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it."

- the u.s. of l.

yeah, looks like we're falling apart.

i've got no idea what i'm doing either.

I thought I had escaped you by not believing in you

"so don't expect the end of the world to come one day out of the blue - it's been happening every day for a long time."



it's a struggle to survive, but, one day,
you
will
be
happy.

(don't hold me to that though.)

sad face

i kinda miss you.
i kinda miss you a lot.
i kinda miss you a lot a lot.

in retrospect

i cannot believe i ever wanted to be like you.

here's to moving on and away?

because you're the one who has to deal with the pain, not me*

sometimes i really hate you.^

(the subtext reads: "i can't wait for me and you")#



*this is a lie.
^as is this.
#ditto.

utter happiness ? i've been there.

mother (of the energy drink variety), hugs, kisses on the cheek (hmm maybe mouths too but shh, don't tell), circles of panic!, elephant love medleys, spring rolls "all da wayyyyyy!", water in bottles/vodka in bottles, yellow tongue, orange alcohol in lesbian corners, tripping over, falling up, defying gravity with dance moves, breast plates, drum sets and accompanying guitars, mothers (of the giving birth variety) peering out of see through curtains, balloons over fences, bohemian rhapsody, air guitar, air violin, air drums, screaming the words to songs, slurring the words to songs, themainethemainethemainethemaine, bedrooms and beds and getting in them while their owners aren't present, the kill (bury me bury me) screamed in pain in courtyards full of pink petals, funerals where friends join you in your grave, drunkeness? not me not tonight thankyouverymuch, backyards and grass and falling over and girls with dark hair, spazzy faces, benvolio (loving him, hating him, running from him, dancing with him), attempting to drop friends in fish ponds that look gross the next day, jumping = dancing, head-banging so hard your neck hurts the next day, the next day ? so soon ?, cakecakecake on cheeks lick it off gone now (not really bathroom time!), houses that are too little, drinks that burn, music that rocks, girls who break hearts, girls who break my heart.
asains.
lesbasain asains.





try beating that.

will

every time (i think) i've finally made up my mind, something happens and it's back to square one. i know i told you not to let me, but -

i just need someone to live for me, then i wouldn't have to wait for myself to catch up.

naive

but i always knew you'd be the one to understand me; i guess that's why it took so long to get things right.

this is a repeat.

"i know that it shouldn't get to me,
but it does, and who am i kidding?"

everyone saw the balloon and wondered why she still couldn't fly

your disposition makes me sad because the thing is, it should matter. (and i am sorry.) i hate having to be the one to tell you that, because it really ought to be the other way around.

have you ever seen a person break?

the things i thought i knew, and the places i thought i'd see, are coming undone right before me and i'm too tired to try and put it back together. there's beauty in destruction, when all we have is the idea. it's almost funny how things work out sometimes, leaving you where you began, wondering if everything happens for a reason.*

it almost feels like there's a due date on everything, a permanent time stamp. we can't just be without thinking about the next, the coming, the awaited. the end is always in sight, in every sense of the word, the only difference being this time i'd rather (be able to) leave without missing anything/anyone. 

she says we'll run out of things to talk about. our lives will diverge and we'll part, knowing perfectly well what could have been, but resigned to the fact that it never will be. and thus the world spins around yet again, bringing with it every day the hope of another abandoned tragedy to kill all your dreams.

old habits?
i'm afraid so.
maybe.
for better or for worse, i'm yet to figure out.

*of course, this is just a ploy to kid yourself into thinking circumstances are entirely out of your control.


well that was redundant.
(if you knew, you would.)

trivial

we're dancing with madness with two left feet.
the curtain falls and we realise that, all along,
there was no madness;
we were dancing alone.

we were dancing alone, and the world stopped for a moment.
we feigned cries for help.

at some stage, you've got to stop and just

laugh,


right?

p.s. you should have seen this coming. i won't hate you for blaming it on the clouds though.

skins.

"

it all means so much to you, doesn't it?

what?

life. you just live a bit harder than everybody else does. you splash about, you wallow in it, like you can't lose a moment.

"

"as with anything else, it's just you"

they only meant well

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

refresh.

stay.

you're not going to let fate in?

it's beyond painful waiting when the day you're waiting for will mean, at last, there is beauty in this world.

(we're not ready, but they'll keep pushing until we stop pretending not to be. and you'll see tiny figures crawling towards the finish line, along some forgotten highway, like the ones in the picture books you read back when you still believed. the clause states that if you go, i'll leave too. so why can't he be the one to save you?)



"i've got friends in highly low places"

or let us live forever

i can forget you.

you can forget me.

but i don't think we'll ever forget what this was.

it went from 'no good' to 'fucked up and over'

irony,



isn't it beautiful?

"we know enough about falling to know there isn't any turning back"

rare (the others)

just so you know, you're not that person. honestly, i don't think you'll ever be, because i like you too much for my own good. sometimes i hate this because we both know what i think of having to rely on people for happiness. truth is, you do. and you and you and you and you (and you). so please, keep on killing me with your words and your awesomeness and i'll keep on pretending like i don't really need you.

the reality is though, i wouldn't last a day.

curious and curiouser

it's never that, it's never quite that innocent

so take it back, all the words you thought you said, but never had

you never had to say a word, don't say a word

just hold me close, hold me close and let me go

and then you'll know, you need to know exactly what you're letting go

you're letting go, so walk away, and take it slow

is there anyone out there who is listening to anything?

is there anyone out there who can take my hand, so

come on, come on

what are you waiting for?

waiting for your life to end, to begin again

no, you get back up and you try again

you never had, you never had a fighting chance so watch your back

somehow we always manage to remember that, under attack,

if you lose a friend, you pick up the slack

whoever said that distance brings you closer, they must not have known

that when you're out of sight, you're out of mind and all alone

and when you're on your own, you hate to think that you should've known.

-  my favourite highway

p.s. did you read between the lines of this as well? you know, it's probably better if you just asked me directly. i suppose the -

(you can fill in the rest of this. you seem to be pretty good at making assumptions.)

contentment?
i think so.

p.s. thank-you.

somebody needs to decide for me,

because i doubt i ever will.

"the only thing i've ever been passionate about is you."

you make my day,
every day.

"it's ironic that you hate the why and appreciate i in happiness".





almost.

you always look like you're going to say something, but you never do.

tomorrow, we will know.
tomorrow, i will know.
it's not going to change anything, though.

the heroes will be the heroes and i'll be left trying to remember the words she once told me:

you mustn't be afraid. it's worse than forgetting.


(i wish i wasn't afraid of anything.)

happyness*

"you've got a dream. you've gotta protect it. people can't do something themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. if you want something, go get it. period."




*this is on purpose.