i am sad and my eyes hurt.
you make me laugh, cause you're a little sad too and i wish i knew you better (despite this impossibility).
i can't get over my own stupidity, laziness. even in writing this i can see my procrastination emblazoned across this laptop screen, this blog post.
earphones in my ears, cat at my feet.
failure.
that is what i embody. trying to change it, but it's not working too well yet. living up to expectations (even if they're your own) is harder than you'd think (unless you've tried it, in which case, good on you).
i give myself time limits in order to make myself go faster, try harder. it doesn't work. ever. there are no exceptions.
it's sad, at this point in my life. sad that i didn't try harder, haven't tried harder, am not trying harder, am still trying hard.
i don't know.
i get confused too easily.
and probably cry a bit too much (secretly, so no one ever knows).
i love a little too hard, in partiulcar unattainable beings (like famous band members and characters from fictional books).
however, i love someone very real.
you'll never know her, though, unless you do. and if you do, count yourself lucky. she's changing lives, that one.
i got my hair cut properly for the first time in over four years. it's a wonderful change. usually the unexpected hits us in the face like a cold, hard wave when we're swimming. usually we swallow some old, murky, ocean water.
22 and a half days. let's just say i'm counting down out of exitement, not boredom or nerves or looming sadness. i have never wanted anything so badly (or if i did i've forgotten it in this desire).
i've gone over my cap again but i'll keep texting them all anyway, because i can't not, you know ?
this is so honest, i'm shocked at myself. like when you wake up after an amazing night and look in the mirror and ask, am i still me? like you'd be different. like you probably are. i'm holding out for a night like that.
see you soon, yeah ?
i'll walk past you on the street, but you won't notice me.
you usually don't.