in the end it's up to you.

i'm coming to terms with it.

halloween.

we are not defined by the beginning. we are defined by the end.

(it was a freudian slip up.)




p.s. she's still around.

screw you, boy.

LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE.

and on the brink of this
we are left
alone, cold, lifeless, waiting.
we are left wondering what will
happen
next.


questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions questions
so many goddamn questions.
and nothing to do with them.

except wait entire lifetimes for answers we will not by happy with.

stop being so fucking dramatic.

don't you get it ?

after this,

all there is is happiness.

"sleep tight, ya morons!"

FIN.

goodnight.

the beginning of the rest of our lives.

maybe calling it that is a bit premature.
but i have a feeling things are going to get better.

good morning, sunshine.

"it isn't anyone's fault."
let's just see what happens now.

truths.

i hate myself for not doing anything.

i'm sure it comes down to fear.

i'm scared the end of the year will come and everyone will be bitterly disappointed in me. including myself.

i'm scared i'll never get there.

i'm scared that, should it actually happen, i'll end up thinking "this is it?"

i'm scared that all the effort will be reduced to nothingness.

i'm scared i won't be able to do anything about it.

i'm scared of goodbye, because i'm starting to think there might not be a next time.

i'm scared that lying's getting a little too easy for me.

i'm scared i'm becoming superficial. (moreso, at least.)

i'm scared i'll never have anything to show for myself.

i'm scared of replacement. (make of this what you will.)

(i had to go to mass a few weeks ago, and one of the readings was something along the lines of 'seek, and you shall find. knock, and the door will be opened. ask, and you shall be answered.' this really ...annoyed me, for lack of a better word. life doesn't work like that.)

i've concluded that not much has changed in the way of human evolution. we're still hunters.

i think i'm beginning to understand this seasonal depression thing.

"the only thing missing was lollipops dancing in the background." unadulterated happiness. the world needs more.

i don't believe in god, but sometimes i wish i did.

we're all corruptible, despite our best efforts to remain safe in naivety.

i still am.

this makes me sad.

i wish we knew.

i wish i could fix it.*

*i wish such problems could be fixed.

sometimes i think i (act) bitter and cynical just so i won't have to admit i might actually need people. (can you make it on your own?)

lately, the smallest things make me want to just blur out everything. even something like people not giving up their seat on the train. it's trivial i know, and we both know i'm not the archetypal moral hero either, but i guess it's a reminder that as much as i hope(d) people could just think of someone else for a change, they can't. we're human, right? i almost feel like the 'childhood illusions' i held about the world are being shattered. or something. i guess i don't want to accept the fact that people are selfish. because that means i am too. the thought of going to a concert, let's say, just makes me feel really self-indulgent. guilty, almost. and i hate the tone of this because it's starting to sound like borderline-self-righteous-oh-i'm-too-good-for-everyone-else. but it isn't. i don't even know what my problem is, honestly. i always knew there was bad in the world. i don't know what changed. and i hate this because it's truly hypocritical. i mean, i'm not out there visiting the sick and clothing the poor, am i?

the quintessence of dust. that's all.

"we're getting wise trying to find our feet."

people ask me things about "love." i always reply with 'well, what is love, really?'

people ask me things about "real friends." truthfully, i don't know about this... only because i think i have a tendency to either overestimate/underestimate people, instead of seeing what's actually there.

just for the record though, i wish we could be friends forever, as much as that sounds like a line from a lame high school movie. i suppose have this picture of us, in fifty years' time, sitting on wicker chairs, listening to the summer sounds of the street. i guess i just really want someone to whom i can ask 'hey, remember when...?' (i apologise for the stereotypical happily ever after image i'm painting here. i suppose endings do strange things to people.) it makes me sad that this probably won't happen. it makes me even sadder when i know the cause probably won't even be a fight, or anything like that, but time. just ...time.

i wish it came down to more than half-truths about distance and time and wanting.

i thought i knew better.

at first, the realisation always hurts more than the truth.



everything's about the wait. for the day when it will all just ...click.
so i guess i'll see you when that day comes?

p.s. i don't know what the point of this was. venting didn't help. this is just evidence of the first thing i wrote here.

i'm sad for her and i hate him a little.

sometimes you just don't get me.

and sometimes i let my pettiness come between us.
i'm working on this.

misery loves me.

you tore open my eyes.



i've learnt that i hate expectations, despite the fact that i have too many of them myself
i've learnt that people are always letting you down and it pretty much sucks
i've learnt that sometimes people can suprise you
i've learnt that girls can be petty
i've learnt that boys can be dicks
i've learnt that i am a hypocrite
i've learnt that sometimes i convince myself there is no one else in the world who can help me, when really she is just a phone call away
i've learnt that i can be a good person
i've learnt that i can be a terrible person
i've learnt that growing up can be fun
i've learnt that we will never stop growing, because there is never nothing left to learn
i've learnt that i am a jealous person
i've learnt that i judge too quickly
i've learnt that sometimes crying is the only answer
i've learnt that my sister doesn't deserve some of what she's been through, but really i'll just never understand
i've learnt that my parents fucked themselves over in the past and all they want from me is that i don't do the same thing
i've learnt that lying is easy, but the guilt later on isn't at all
i've learnt that i can lie to myself without that guilt
i've learnt that people are willing to screw you over if it helps them out
i've learnt that people can be kind without secret, evil intentions
i've learnt that i love too readily
i've learnt that lying to my parents is as easy as lying to myself
i've learnt that friends can be shit
i've learnt that people can be sad, even if they don't have reason to be
i've learnt that hating people is hard
i've learnt that i can get angry too easily
i've learnt that i can hold grudges
i've learnt that i can't hold grudges for very long
i've learnt that i can let things slide for a few people, and that maybe this isn't such a good thing
i've learnt that taking people's advice can sometimes help
i've learnt that people can be beautiful
i've learnt that i don't like being left alone with myself too much
i've learnt that the fantasy is usually better than the reality
i've learnt that like isn't always enough
i've learnt that a hangover isn't always what makes you regret the night before
i've learnt that excitement can drive a person crazy
i've learnt that waiting isn't easier, but most of the time it pays off
i've learnt that best friends will always be there, even if sometimes you get a little confused as to what is going on
i've learnt that i change my mind too much
i've learnt that everyone has feelings, everyone hurts
i've learnt that people can be stupid and idiotic
i've learnt that patience is a virtue
i've learnt that i need to be more independent
i've learnt that things change, and not usually the way you want them to
i've learnt that letting go can be done, even if it hurts
i've learnt that love can be found, even if it hurts
i've learnt that love can be lost and it always hurts
i've learnt that prayers aren't usually answered by a higher power, but i'll keep praying anyway
i've learnt that i am too hard on myself most of the time, but this probably won't change
i've learnt that sometimes i keep things from people i love, for no reason
i've learnt that loving yourself is hard,

but maybe i'll get there one day.

right back where we started from.

i.
cannot.
wait.

fuck happiness. i want certainty.

don't they know that love won't lie ?

she cried.
and i

did


nothing.

i''m such a give-away

you read me like a book.
please,
keep reading.

we're going on a summer holiday

daisy chains.

new phones.

denim jackets.

8:17

7:30

beach hopping.

8:27

twenty-five degrees.

rye.

smooth skin.

ice-cream.

"feral."

white sand.

twenty minutes.

two alarms.

888

salt? sure.

symphonies.

god.

primary school kids on art excursions.

band-aids.

strawberries.

no through road.

"dude!"

see-saws and (painful) 'see-saws'.

nitrogen bonding.

protopathic/epicritic.

the red jumper.

goat, nanny goat.

savage garden?

sunshine.

coffee + yoghurt.

believing.

[judge.]

scarlet fever.

surprises.

banana.

guitar.

twenty questions.

voided questions.

plans.

blame.

tv's in front yards.
one saved camera.
"right back where we started from"

(maybe we just need to wake up.)

p.s. 6.5 days.

"life is a mystery, you must find the answers out on your own."

just a little bit o' reckless abandon.

it's your classic, everyday tale of boy meets girl.

maybe one day they'll realise and get their happily ever after.

god yes.

"what the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? does everything you do always have to be sensible? haven't you ever thrown waterballoons off a roof? when you were a little kid didn't you ever sprinkle ivory flakes on the living room floor cause you wanted to make it snow in July? didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?"

planets

i used to think it mattered.

but now i don't.

when you use that tone, it makes me go crazy.

ARE

YOU

WILD

?

i wanna hold your hand.

that's a nice story to believe in, she said.

forget it.

out of sight, out of mind?
that could not be further from the truth.

p.s. i think i miss you.

i don't think you're worth much. but then again, i never did think at all.

did i say you're just a boy?
you can hold me to that.

it's funny how our battles change.

'
don't
you
feed
me
lines
about
some
idealistic
future
.
'

happily ever after.

my head is full of dreams and my heart is full of words unspoken.

(this is an all time low.)

all we have are sarcastic comments and vague recollections about truth and love and what it means to be nothing. 

i grow tired of things too easily. 

i grow tired too easily.

it's funny how life works out sometimes.

the people who make you laugh are the ones you forgot about.
the people who start noticing things are the ones you thought life would be better without.

the people you thought you couldn't live without, well... i guess a lot changes when they fall out of context.

when people fall out of place.

i can see it happening.

i could grasp at it and clutch at it and never let it slip from my tenacious grip.

i could worry about the wrong person and pretend you're okay.

i could try.

i could.

truth is, everything has an expiry date.

even -

i will miss the good and the bad.

the good because we were happy, and the bad because we knew it would soon be over.

"do people go there to be taken?"
for what it's worth, i don't know either.

"bright eyes."

i met you through a common friend
in the attic of my parents' house
and though i didn't know it then
i was soon finding out

oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
and hold the earth in place

each time a faucet opens
words are spoken
the water runs away
and i hear your name
no, nothing has changed
there was this book i read and loved
the story of a ship
who sailed around the world and found
that nothing else exists
beyond his own two sails and wooden shell
and what is held within
all else is sure to pass
we clutch and grasp
and debate what's truly permanent
but when the wind starts to shift
well, there's no argument
now, i sing and drink and sleep on floors
and try hard not to be annoyed
by all these people worrying about me
so when i'm suffering through some awful drive
you occasionally cross my mind
it's my hidden hope that you are still among them
well are you?

oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
and hold the earth in place
each time a curtain opens
sunlight pours in
a lifetime melts away

and we share a name
on some picturesque grave

"we find our heroes and we uncover our fears. and sometimes, we triumph."

let's throw convincing out the window and exceed expectations.
we just want to belong in places we shouldn't. be a part of the perfect world. it all sounds so simple and easy but when faced with adversity we would rather hide beneath blankets on mattresses full of youth's simplicity.
i guess this is growing up.
one day when we're old and frail we'll see that.
but for now we'll just live in tree houses with slides and lay on haystacks full of snakes.
god i hope they don't find us.

the last time we will ever feel this

IS

this

THE END

OR

JUST

THE BEGINNING

?

i've asked myself this many times
yet i never get an answer.

the world won't tell us, but neither will we let ourselves know.

i feel a sadness i associate with letting go, but i am not sure if i want to let go, just yet.
though it could just be my crazy muddled mind, racked as it is with guilt of a sort and love of a sort and excitement of a sort.

i am sad for the past, sad for the future, excited for the past, excited for the possibilities the future could entail.
it's crazy really, these feelings are.



well one day we'll know the truth.
one day we'll know.
i am
certain.

please, please, please, let me get what i want

one day until the world's a different colour.

two days until the final days begin.

nineteen days until tomorrow starts.

twenty-seven days until it will finally mean something.

forty-one days until summer, lemonade stands and forever.

georgia fair

"this time we'll try to change those things we've learnt and grown to hate
about nine to five, five to nine
simple times and the same old life
and then this time we'll re-arrange and we'll rip down all those picture frames of my life
this time we'll leave this town"