so it's done. and done and done and done and done. fin. end. whatever. whatever, yeah?
i'm not sure if i pictured this differently, but i am sure this is reluctance, not surprise. in hindsight, it was almost inevitable, and if i ever believed otherwise it was pure naivety. i can hear you saying right now "it goes both ways", and it did, and still does, yet i'm beginning to think i've resigned myself to what's happening, what's going to happen, what has already happened. yes, i'm a terrible person, a true, true hypocrite for saying this. it all seems like a childish, perpetual cycle of going around in circles only to realise you're chasing your own tail. nothing's changed, yet nothing's the same. perhaps the situation rolls forth in any case, and we're the only ones to change. although with that logic you'd think the situation would also change if we are. can the circumstances stay constant if we're not? or is it the other way around? i'm realising now none of this really makes any sense, because it's a time for dreaming and not for living. i don't know if this even needs to be sad, whatever the heck i'm trying to say.
there must be more to it all than just jealousy and fear. i don't know why this always happens. everything goes from fine to "fine", so i'm starting to think it was never fine to begin with. that's all we are, actors on the world stage. and then the world changes into another and it's time to burn down everything again. even after the attempts and the effort and the words and the unheard words and the half-hearted apologies, it's back to this.
you know what? i'm not even entirely sure what the issue actually is. perhaps therein lies the problem.
i hope there's something more than all of this. something bigger than punk anthems and bicycles and mixtapes and surprises and lying and favourite things. not a supreme being, a divine entity. just ...something more. when the universe is in line and you finally understand why the story unfolded as it did. but then that would imply there's something controlling our fates and there's a reason behind everything. there's comfort in that thought, knowing there's a bigger plan and we'll all end up where we're supposed to be, with the right people, at the right time. like there's someone, or something, watching over us and our mistakes aren't really mistakes, but rather just steps on the way to our destination. (happiness, not death.) but at the end of the day, i still can't accept that there's anything beyond humans controlling our futures.
luck? no.
i guess in a world where 'friend' has become almost an impersonal noun, or even a label, i shouldn't expect much more.
expectations.
maybe that's what this is all about.
the ironic thing is that the ones who read this, and understand it (or at least attempt to) aren't the ones who need to.
and this is my fault.
is it sad that i can be honest through 'anonymous' words on a computer screen, yet there are only about three people i'd actually tell this to?
communication.
communication.
communication.
communication.
communication.
communication.
compromising.
(maybe.)
maybe it's time to stop over analysing and pretending it still matters.
maybe it's time we stopped believing in tomorrow.
maybe it's time we got over it.
maybe it's time we stopped caring.
i guess we should focus on the hope rather than the tragedy.
i mean, it can only get better, right?
(or is this me being naive again?)
(probably the latter.)
i'm sure there's some (half) truth beneath these convoluted, long-winded nothings. you don't have to figure it out though. all will be revealed one day, i'm sure.
sigh, i don't know.
this is impossible.
nevermind, right?
(and they hold up their dirty palms, cross their hearts and hope to die,
and they shout, who what will save us now?)
p.s. if you actually read through this, thank you?
no, i should say it.
and mean it.
thank you.