i was having a good day and you fucking ruined it.

i'm pretty good at being me until i remember that you exist, until you remind me that you exist. then everything i think i am goes up in flames and i'm stuck with the person i used to be and the person i could be. where's that? fucked if i know. i could do without your bullshit for once in my life but i know without a shadow of a doubt that it'll be there again tomorrow and the next day and the next day and just forever. it's who you are, i guess. and i never asked for any of this shit to happen, it just did and does and will. and i don't know if that makes it better or worse but there you go. there's some part of me that gets it, knows what the fuck i'm doing, what the fuck i want, but i don't know if i'll ever find it in amongst the other parts inside of me all wanting/thinking/doing different things at the same time. and i hate that i make everything a million times more confusing than it should be but it happens accidently in my head when i think too much about the shit we go through. i don't mean to hate anyone. i don't mean to love everyone. i feel the way i do and that's that. but if i allow myself this way of living, i have to let you too, yeah? double standards suck.