happiness: going once, going twice

306 out of 694.
not even half. but for no reason.
what a joke.
(you make things a bigger deal than they should be. it's all on you, pal.)

i hate hating myself.

drama queen.

d

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d

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just change my world, please.

messy, life is

olive.

i love almost road trips.
i love singing in cars with friends.
i love being able to read a melways.
i love strangers who become friends who become people you love.
i love songs that make you laugh, songs the make you cry and songs that make you feel.
i love accidental friendships.
i love alcohol-induced bonding.
i love good weekends.
i love the smell of other people getting high.
i love the craziness of dancing close to people you know and people you don't know.
i love screaming at the top of my lungs.
i love hugs.
i love being able to love the simple things.
i love people sitting on my lap.
i love people loving me.
i love independence.
i love happiness.
i love lying on cars and looking at a sky with stars in it.
i love judging people.
i love forgiving people.
i love forgiving myself.
i love letting it all go and forgetting to think about what other people think.
i love flourishing.

hypocritical paranoid insane not okay

it's a crazy goddamn ride and if you don't hold on,
you're pretty much fucked.

it's like everything you've been living for boils down to this one ridiculously insignificant reason.

he calls it the ecstatic truth because it doesn't exist. it is a falsehood, a created reality in which there is perfection.
like such a place even exists. like a human being could possibly ever feel the true potential of perfection.
i think it is a thing that we chase throughout the course of our lives without ever realising it. whether it's a job, a car, a drug, a lifestyle or a person, we each have a version of perfection, of ultimate happiness that is our ecstatic truth. one in which we can be so completely happy that there is never any sadness.
this is what we fight for.
this is what we live for.
and it hurts, you know? cause we end up living and fighting for it even if we don't know what it is yet. even if, for the moment, it is just to be.

life.

i hate that you're really not worth it.
i hate that i tried to convince myself that you were.
i hate that i'm still doubting whether you are.
i hate that we haven't spoken in nearly a month.
i hate that i didn't try any harder.
i hate that you didn't either.
i hate that i miss you.
i hate that this was inevitable.
i hate that i'm not more independent.
i hate that i'm not saving the world.
i hate that i'm lazy.
i hate that i'm behind.
i hate that you couldn't have what you deserved.
i hate that i'm always tired.
i hate that my priorities are fucked up.
i hate that you couldn't be more.
i hate that it's so much harder listing things you love.
i hate that word.
i hate that i failed.
i hate that i forgot.
i hate that i judged you.
i hate that we both ended up in places we didn't want to be.
i hate that there's so much i should be doing yet i'm sitting here typing this.
i hate that it's four years.
i hate that i don't like it yet.
i hate the fact that i really thought i would have by now.
i hate that i wasn't right.
i hate that i'm selfish.
i hate that i need to.
i hate that they think i am.
i hate that i'm putting all this effort into something that might not even be.
i hate that she was better than me.
i hate that i think that.
i hate that i'm considering it.
i hate that i hate so many things.
i hate that i'm not helping anyone.
i hate him.
i hate that i want to give up.
i hate that the motivation seems to be gone.
i hate that i can't tell you this.
i hate that it's always the ones you least suspect.
i hate that this means nothing.
i hate that i haven't started it yet.
i hate that you don't seem to care.
i hate that there are bigger problems out there and i'm still complaining about this crap instead of doing something about it.
i guess this is my cue to leave.