i have a hard time being happy.
because of the possibilities.
and when i'm happy,
it's too happy.
ecstatic, contagious, raging, jumpy, nervous, butterflies, flying.
you make me question everything i do say think am are.
you make me question.
it's bed time now, though.
so i guess i'll see you tomorrow.
28.9.10
sentimentality
i'll be over by the balloon stand enjoying myself.
let me know when you're sick of wallowing, you self-righteous prick.
and stop crushing the hopes and dreams of those around you with your fucking selfishness.
i'd kick you in the shins, if only i could reach the plastic pedastool you put yourself on, telling yourself it's gold, telling yourself that you're better than the rest of us when really you're the dirt we walk on.
i hate you and your stupid attitude.
i hate you and your stupid words.
i hate you.
and everything about you.
do me a favour
and fail in life.
because i'd love to see you fall.
if only to see others walk all over you.
let me know when you're sick of wallowing, you self-righteous prick.
and stop crushing the hopes and dreams of those around you with your fucking selfishness.
i'd kick you in the shins, if only i could reach the plastic pedastool you put yourself on, telling yourself it's gold, telling yourself that you're better than the rest of us when really you're the dirt we walk on.
i hate you and your stupid attitude.
i hate you and your stupid words.
i hate you.
and everything about you.
do me a favour
and fail in life.
because i'd love to see you fall.
if only to see others walk all over you.
27.9.10
the nice ones finish last
so this is the would be angst-filled post, about you and you and them, but you know what?
i have decided not to bother ever again, because there isn't long to go and it's really not worth the effort of forced conversations in between eternal silences. you see, i once wanted to go back in time, with the details and the forgiving and the honesty, but i seem to have forgotten two things: you've changed, and so have i*. even if such was possible, it wouldn't work. it never does.
yesterday i tried for the last time and, well, i won't even bother to tell you what happened.
maybe one day the world will change into another and it will be okay. we'll swallow our pride and our envy and seek out the evidence that proves we were once something to be proud of. that we had something beyond infinity and feigned glory and make believe love.
one day.
time, it eats us from the inside and turns sadness into gold.
it leaves us begging for answers, for truth, for certainty.
i wish i knew how your mind worked.
pretty soon, life as we know it will end. it'll be like in the movies, when someone goes away for a long time and comes back and can't remember why.
and i'm not sure if i'll still know you, because right now i want to get as far away as possible and forget why.
thirteen months later, and nothing's changed.
thirteen months later, and it's apathy all around.
thirteen months later, and i'm done.
*this is a story for another day. we'll get to that later.
so much for the 'would be angst-filled post'. i guess i couldn't help myself.
i have decided not to bother ever again, because there isn't long to go and it's really not worth the effort of forced conversations in between eternal silences. you see, i once wanted to go back in time, with the details and the forgiving and the honesty, but i seem to have forgotten two things: you've changed, and so have i*. even if such was possible, it wouldn't work. it never does.
yesterday i tried for the last time and, well, i won't even bother to tell you what happened.
maybe one day the world will change into another and it will be okay. we'll swallow our pride and our envy and seek out the evidence that proves we were once something to be proud of. that we had something beyond infinity and feigned glory and make believe love.
one day.
time, it eats us from the inside and turns sadness into gold.
it leaves us begging for answers, for truth, for certainty.
i wish i knew how your mind worked.
pretty soon, life as we know it will end. it'll be like in the movies, when someone goes away for a long time and comes back and can't remember why.
and i'm not sure if i'll still know you, because right now i want to get as far away as possible and forget why.
thirteen months later, and nothing's changed.
thirteen months later, and it's apathy all around.
thirteen months later, and i'm done.
*this is a story for another day. we'll get to that later.
so much for the 'would be angst-filled post'. i guess i couldn't help myself.
26.9.10
malice intended.
life lesson #1: don't ever expect anything from anybody. and that includes yourself.
24.9.10
at least i'm not as sad (as i used to be)
"you will cry,
and i will cry,
because all the love's
alive tonight"
and i will cry,
because all the love's
alive tonight"
23.9.10
extinguished
i think.
i (don't) know.
i might.
i can. (?)
i underestimate.
i hate.
i deny.
i forget.
i try.
i seek.
i fail.
i hide.
i pretend.
i watch.
i love.
i lie.
i hope.
i write.
i breathe.
i live.
i dream.
i capture.
i cry.
i leave.
i break.
i laugh.
i see.
i ignore.
i like.
i am.
i (don't) know.
i might.
i can. (?)
i underestimate.
i hate.
i deny.
i forget.
i try.
i seek.
i fail.
i hide.
i pretend.
i watch.
i love.
i lie.
i hope.
i write.
i breathe.
i live.
i dream.
i capture.
i cry.
i leave.
i break.
i laugh.
i see.
i ignore.
i like.
i am.
21.9.10
"because everything that you thought i would be is falling apart right in front of you."
because everything that you thought i would be is falling apart right in front of you.
one last time? please?
one last time? please?
19.9.10
"i was here for a moment, and then i was gone. i wish you all a long and happy life."
stop
breaking
my
goddamn
heart.
breaking
my
goddamn
heart.
16.9.10
BREAK
last days, fragmented friendships, countdowns, growing up and away...
(ah, the irony.)
and i thought i knew how the world worked.
"will your house be made of more than dreams then?"
i hope so. i really do.
(ah, the irony.)
and i thought i knew how the world worked.
"will your house be made of more than dreams then?"
i hope so. i really do.
15.9.10
too much
today is the fifteenth of september.
after today it will be 'late september' (technically, at least), and we both know what that means.
after today it will be 'late september' (technically, at least), and we both know what that means.
14.9.10
"the great thing's not to get out of your depth."
we are.
you are.
i am.
so, it's happening again.
...here comes the ensuing silence.
you are.
i am.
so, it's happening again.
...here comes the ensuing silence.
12.9.10
i just want this to sound personal.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
typical.
different.
skip, draft, miss, forget, acid, only, confirm, insane.
let's just look at the answers tomorrow and convince ourselves that we knew it all along.
10.9.10
when there's nothing left to burn
coloured clothing and matching plaits.
six years on a post-it note.
a zombie, a vampire, a casket.
sleep. sleep. sleep?
WEAK.
"please don't kill yourself tonight."
yorick, annoying habits i wish i didn't see, baby photos.
wasted time and wasted effort.
six.
rainbow ice creams (this feels like the future).
recycled; forgotten.
jerk. (sorry)
18.5
miss you too.
musicals, music, hell.
trying.
...the rest is still unwritten.
six years on a post-it note.
a zombie, a vampire, a casket.
WEAK.
"please don't kill yourself tonight."
yorick, annoying habits i wish i didn't see, baby photos.
wasted time and wasted effort.
six.
rainbow ice creams (this feels like the future).
recycled; forgotten.
jerk. (sorry)
18.5
miss you too.
musicals, music, hell.
trying.
...the rest is still unwritten.
7.9.10
somewhere along the way i started caring
and now i wish i didn't again.
things were easier.
i could fail without feeling guilty.
things were easier.
i could fail without feeling guilty.
soon this will all be over and it won't matter how much we tried and how much we cared.
we'll just be.... born again.
or something like that.
6.9.10
one night only.
talk all the talk with a poet's style
tongue like electric, eyes like a child
buy all your wives and the classic cars
live like a savior, live like the stars
talk all the talk with a model's smile
tongue like electric, eyes like a child
buy all your highs and the classic cars
die on the front page, just like the stars
the big screens, the plastic-made dreams
say you don't want it, say you don't want it
it's our world, the picture-book girls
say you don't want it, say you don't want it
don't you ask me if it's love my dear
love don't really mean a thing round here
the fake scenes the plastic-made dreams
say you don't want it, say you don't want it
pace all the rooms with a jealous style
tongue like electric, eyes like a child
paint all your soul with the grand designs
reach like a savior, your heart on the line
talk all the talk with a model's smile
tongue like electric, eyes like a child
bu all your highs and the classic cars
die on the front page, just like the stars
and i liked you for that
my eyes have once again been proven wrong
your clouds, your blanket and my pity song
hovering on your front lawn
carry on until it's gone
what can i do?
the river's overrun
we're swimming in a flood
i thought i felt your touch
but the water's rising up
now all my lovers raise their cups
then i lie naked in a rampage
in the flesh, face to face with the onset
i forget everything that's ever made me
rise again, now slowly leave my memory
- passion pit
your clouds, your blanket and my pity song
hovering on your front lawn
carry on until it's gone
what can i do?
the river's overrun
we're swimming in a flood
i thought i felt your touch
but the water's rising up
now all my lovers raise their cups
then i lie naked in a rampage
in the flesh, face to face with the onset
i forget everything that's ever made me
rise again, now slowly leave my memory
- passion pit
"you make it sound like we can't go back in time."
sometimes i get scared that i'll come to the end and think, that's it?
i'll marvel at how our anticipation, our dreaming, our hoping, wondering if it'll ever be the same again.
sometimes life's like outer space; you don't know how far it stretches, or even what's out there, but you won't live long enough to figure it out. no-one you know will. we simply aren't equipped with hearts and minds to do so. it's a truth we've accepted, because to disagree would mean questioning what we once thought true. and that's when your world crashes into theirs.
so this is what it comes down to: time, and a whole lot of hope.
i'll marvel at how our anticipation, our dreaming, our hoping, wondering if it'll ever be the same again.
sometimes life's like outer space; you don't know how far it stretches, or even what's out there, but you won't live long enough to figure it out. no-one you know will. we simply aren't equipped with hearts and minds to do so. it's a truth we've accepted, because to disagree would mean questioning what we once thought true. and that's when your world crashes into theirs.
so this is what it comes down to: time, and a whole lot of hope.
5.9.10
you vs me
i am sad and my eyes hurt.
you make me laugh, cause you're a little sad too and i wish i knew you better (despite this impossibility).
i can't get over my own stupidity, laziness. even in writing this i can see my procrastination emblazoned across this laptop screen, this blog post.
earphones in my ears, cat at my feet.
failure.
that is what i embody. trying to change it, but it's not working too well yet. living up to expectations (even if they're your own) is harder than you'd think (unless you've tried it, in which case, good on you).
i give myself time limits in order to make myself go faster, try harder. it doesn't work. ever. there are no exceptions.
it's sad, at this point in my life. sad that i didn't try harder, haven't tried harder, am not trying harder, am still trying hard.
i don't know.
i get confused too easily.
and probably cry a bit too much (secretly, so no one ever knows).
i love a little too hard, in partiulcar unattainable beings (like famous band members and characters from fictional books).
however, i love someone very real.
you'll never know her, though, unless you do. and if you do, count yourself lucky. she's changing lives, that one.
i got my hair cut properly for the first time in over four years. it's a wonderful change. usually the unexpected hits us in the face like a cold, hard wave when we're swimming. usually we swallow some old, murky, ocean water.
22 and a half days. let's just say i'm counting down out of exitement, not boredom or nerves or looming sadness. i have never wanted anything so badly (or if i did i've forgotten it in this desire).
i've gone over my cap again but i'll keep texting them all anyway, because i can't not, you know ?
this is so honest, i'm shocked at myself. like when you wake up after an amazing night and look in the mirror and ask, am i still me? like you'd be different. like you probably are. i'm holding out for a night like that.
see you soon, yeah ?
i'll walk past you on the street, but you won't notice me.
you usually don't.
you make me laugh, cause you're a little sad too and i wish i knew you better (despite this impossibility).
i can't get over my own stupidity, laziness. even in writing this i can see my procrastination emblazoned across this laptop screen, this blog post.
earphones in my ears, cat at my feet.
failure.
that is what i embody. trying to change it, but it's not working too well yet. living up to expectations (even if they're your own) is harder than you'd think (unless you've tried it, in which case, good on you).
i give myself time limits in order to make myself go faster, try harder. it doesn't work. ever. there are no exceptions.
it's sad, at this point in my life. sad that i didn't try harder, haven't tried harder, am not trying harder, am still trying hard.
i don't know.
i get confused too easily.
and probably cry a bit too much (secretly, so no one ever knows).
i love a little too hard, in partiulcar unattainable beings (like famous band members and characters from fictional books).
however, i love someone very real.
you'll never know her, though, unless you do. and if you do, count yourself lucky. she's changing lives, that one.
i got my hair cut properly for the first time in over four years. it's a wonderful change. usually the unexpected hits us in the face like a cold, hard wave when we're swimming. usually we swallow some old, murky, ocean water.
22 and a half days. let's just say i'm counting down out of exitement, not boredom or nerves or looming sadness. i have never wanted anything so badly (or if i did i've forgotten it in this desire).
i've gone over my cap again but i'll keep texting them all anyway, because i can't not, you know ?
this is so honest, i'm shocked at myself. like when you wake up after an amazing night and look in the mirror and ask, am i still me? like you'd be different. like you probably are. i'm holding out for a night like that.
see you soon, yeah ?
i'll walk past you on the street, but you won't notice me.
you usually don't.
fin.
fresh air and company, it's really all i needed.
sometimes you forget about the people, the few people.
bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
sometimes you forget about the people, the few people.
bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
3.9.10
2.9.10
you're a mindfuck
we're taught to envy what isn't ours, what can't be ours. we're taught to wander 'what if?'. we're taught to hate others because we can't be like them. this is all we're trained to see: perfection in everybody else but ourselves.
is this in my mind or yours?
i don't know why you get to do this to me.
again and again and again and again.
the pain, raw and fresh every time;
did you mean any of it?
i believe(d) every word of it,
yet somehow seeing it still gives us (me) that cold heartbeat of knowing it couldn't be.
so maybe i'm not over it.
maybe this is all it will ever be, empty words on a page that will never be read through the right eyes anyway.
i mean, what's a dream if it can actually come true, right?
maybe we'll never end up where we're meant to be.
maybe there isn't a 'meant to be', but only paths we go along only to realise we didn't even pick them in the first place. no, we're led by jealousy and greed and selfishness and self-preservation and suffocating ambition and apathy. they're little monsters that take our little hands and guide our little feet along until it's too late to click our little heels and wish for home.
and then,
we are broken by hurt.
and that's it,
that's all,
hurt.
fuck it.
this is so last year.
i might see you whenever we're (i'm) finally moving on.
is this in my mind or yours?
i don't know why you get to do this to me.
again and again and again and again.
the pain, raw and fresh every time;
did you mean any of it?
i believe(d) every word of it,
yet somehow seeing it still gives us (me) that cold heartbeat of knowing it couldn't be.
so maybe i'm not over it.
maybe this is all it will ever be, empty words on a page that will never be read through the right eyes anyway.
i mean, what's a dream if it can actually come true, right?
maybe we'll never end up where we're meant to be.
maybe there isn't a 'meant to be', but only paths we go along only to realise we didn't even pick them in the first place. no, we're led by jealousy and greed and selfishness and self-preservation and suffocating ambition and apathy. they're little monsters that take our little hands and guide our little feet along until it's too late to click our little heels and wish for home.
and then,
we are broken by hurt.
and that's it,
that's all,
hurt.
fuck it.
this is so last year.
i might see you whenever we're (i'm) finally moving on.
1.9.10
if we're fucked up you're to blame.
we are taught from early beginnings to be whatever we can; set our heights high, aim for the sky, reach reach godamnit reach. we learn to fall and get up again and up again and up again. each and every single time we fall we are told to get to our feet and limp on, despite our broken ankles and aching heads, despite our aching hearts.
we don't ask for things, take things for granted. we don't use people, hate people, make people.
at least, we're taught not to.
some of us, along the way, get a little lost.
some of us, along the way, lose sight of the bigger picture.
we are deterred by love and hate and feelings beyond our control.
we are deterred by loss.
hopefully, though, one way or the other, we will end up where we are meant to be.
fingers crossed.
we don't ask for things, take things for granted. we don't use people, hate people, make people.
at least, we're taught not to.
some of us, along the way, get a little lost.
some of us, along the way, lose sight of the bigger picture.
we are deterred by love and hate and feelings beyond our control.
we are deterred by loss.
hopefully, though, one way or the other, we will end up where we are meant to be.
fingers crossed.
ragged & halfway
for what it's worth, i wish this wasn't so.
(there are few who will know where their hearts truly lie)
(there are few who will know where their hearts truly lie)
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