THIS IS A PARADIGM SHIFT.

(i think.)

i didn't think forgetting people would come this easily.

timing.
it's all about the timing.
and now the time is right for rehearsed goodbyes,
the ones that were played over and over in your head those days you couldn't keep both of your feet on the ground.

progression.

who would have thought?

union pool (miss, not met)

i don't know why i do it.
don't even bother trying to understand.

actually, i lied.
remember the day you said my fatal flaw was appeasement?
i think this has something to do with me finally letting go of that.
(this is what i tell myself, at least.)

articulation

i could see the words written here. i could picture them in their entirety, in their perfection, in all their glory and beauty and wisdom. somehow, the idea is always far greater than the reality. always. even with this. i had it all planned out, yet, seeing the words on the actual page renders any attempt to make sense of it all futile.

part one:

it started off with a story about a girl finding a heart, but i realised i'm still pretty good at pushing people away (read: reverting back to old ways) and so came an angst-filled post about that. but i didn't post that because it would deem the past few months pointless. and they haven't been. i'm sure of that. yes. yes, i am.

you know, this blog originally started off as an idea. an idea that was created on the corner next to a place we both hated. a place for creativity, for expression, for the references that no-one else would understand. maybe things changed, and we didn't, or people outside of the two of us started seeing sense in the vague nothings, but it was never this. what was once an idea turned into the catalyst for petty arguments and text message apologies and always wondering if the next person knew. i never used to care so much about what i wrote here, mainly because anonymity was still an option, yet now i click backspace more than 'publish post.' and this annoys me because i always liked the part of me that seemed to care less than others about things like this.

maybe it's the nature of this blog, that misinterpretation and misunderstanding are sure to ensue.

(public disclaimer: i don't sit here deliberately twisting words so the meaning is harder to grasp. no malice intended. i promise.)

ambiguity. ambivalence. once the beauty of this place, and now almost the downfall.

i still see the beauty in it though.

so this is me saying that i'm going back to october, two years ago, back when this was just a blog.

p.s. for future reference, don't read too much into this. i mean, yes, answers can be found on here, but if it was that important and i wanted you to know, i would have just told you in person. and if it is that important and i'm too much of a coward to tell you, well, then that's my problem.

p.p.s. if you were meant to understand it, you would. and if you don't, then you don't need (have?) to.

and... publish post.

universe: 1

me: 0

i have this feeling that none of us will ever truly find out who we are.

im not trying to be poetic.
im just trying to figure it all out.

Zen

so with just over a week left of this year, it seems the time to rewind and reflect and reminisce on some (almost) anonymous space on the world wide web. and normally i could spend a good few hours typing something out, but right now it just seems almost irrelevant to do so. why, you ask? well, i suppose i don't see the point in looking back, because this year has been primarily about one thing: growing up. i don't mean that in the i'm-almost-an-official-adult kind of way, it's got nothing to do with voting or driving or any other typical thing linked to adulthood. i suppose the irrelevance stems from thinking that the person i am now wouldn't understand, or even care for, the person i once was. i think it had something to do with finishing school, and finally getting closure. or perhaps the irrelevance is about reaching the end of an era, and deciding (is it a choice?) who and what i still want in my life. i realise how cruel that sounds, like i'm ruthlessly purging my life without any consideration to others, and most of the time i'm not sure if it's even a conscious action (or in some cases, inaction), but, believe me, it's happening. and i'm not sure if i even want to change it, but i am sure this makes me a terrible person. somewhere along the way, amidst fractured friendships and trying to find god, we got caught up in double standards, and we still haven't found our way out of the mess yet.

the phrase 'growing up' isn't the perfect one to use here, i think. i'm very much still naive, despite my best efforts to deny this fact. so maybe it wasn't about growing up. it just seems like this year has seen many 'epiphany' moments, moments where it feels like the universe is aligned just right and everyone's where they're supposed to be. realisations (not always after the fact), answers to the big questions (or so we think), and letting go.

i suppose this is the biological stage where our brains are changing and synapses are 'pruned', where we're learning about who we are and how to finally make those decisions. perhaps the inevitable part of altering connections in the brain is having the exact same process occur in the other parts of your life.

i guess there comes a stage in everyone's life when they realise a number of things:

1. who they are.

2. who they used to be.

3. who they'd like to be.

4. who their friends are.

5. that family will always be there.

i think i've finally figured out 4, and realised 5. i'm still working on 3 1.

you know the feeling when you surprise even yourself? yeah, well -

not so surprising.

i always look back and think 'i should have known better', but i'm starting to think i knew all along.

yeah, it's embarrasing. but also completely relevant and kind of beautiful.

"when we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. our answers were things like, astronauts, president... or in my case, a princess.

when we were ten, they asked again. we answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. but now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. well, how about this. who the hell knows?

this isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. fall in love... a lot. major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. so, make as many mistakes as you can. that way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know. "

fuck you me this

i don't want to remember anymore.

i don't want these memories.

i don't want this mind.



you are my hero.

some day soon somebody is going to ask you for something you aren't willing to give up.

just because we're werewolves.

i'm not saying i don't care. i'm saying i pretend not to. i'm not saying i'm always right. i'm saying maybe it's time to apologise and mend broken friendships before they're broken for good. i'm saying i should get off my high horse and fix things. i'm not saying i believe in myself now. i'm saying i'm still getting there, slowly but surely. i'm not saying designer shoes and designer drugs. i'm saying messages on napkins and swinging on swings. i'm saying movie references and summertime and jellyfish and bicycles and brunch and bravery and non-wimpy moments. i'm not saying destiny. i'm saying it's our choice. i'm saying it's cause and effect. i'm not saying i'm keeping it a secret. i'm saying just ask me yourself. i'm not saying this will last forever. i'm saying this moment will mean more than anything i could ever promise you, more than any dreams of reckless abandon you've got planned for your so-called future, because this is certain, tangible, truth. i'm not saying love. i'm saying figure out who you wouldn't want to forget. i'm not saying all endings are sad. i'm saying sometimes people part, things change, the world turns into another. i'm saying it's not anger, nor bitterness, nor resentment, but just time. i'm not saying believe in the impossible. i'm not saying there is an impossible. i'm not saying put yourself out there, armed with blind faith and a sign that says 'hope is for the hopeless'. i'm saying just have a little faith; just have a little faith, kid.

defying gravity

one.

two.

three.

just have a little faith, kid.

and thus, contentment was mine.

is it gonna be alright ?

define me? no thanks, i'll define myself.

after a long, hard day at work,
the lion returned to his den.
he slept in a pile with his family surrounding him, happy and content.
he dreamt of a blissful future where every day was a good one and he was never sad or confused.
it was the greatest dream he ever had and on those days when he was sad or confused,
he remembered it.
and he told himself that those good days, however rare and fleeting, are worth all of the bad ones in the world. he told himself that that happiness is achievable, you just have to want it hard enough.

the waiting game.

the thing is, Time will always win.

closure.

the world needs more of it.

we are simple beings

firsts, ha.

so once upon a time there were fairytales and horror stories and everything in between, which includes lies about boys and girls, and somehow somewhere along the way i ended up in the one containing lies and secrets and clandestine emotions. it isn't as serious as i make it out to be but it still hurts a little, when people think you're someone you're not. see, things get confusing. people say shit cause they know shit and it hurts despite the fact it's friends telling friends (cause it becomes friends telling not-friends telling people who don't like you, thus creating lies). and i could give you a whole sob story about what really happened in the dark, but let's face it, in the end you'll believe what you wanna believe. and i can do shit-all to stop you from thinking, believing, feeling whatever the fuck you wanna think, believe and feel. and yeah, people will judge. fuck, friends will judge. but that's life. and in spite of how shit it makes me feel to know people are judging me when they don't know me, people are judging me when they do know me, there isn't a single freaking thing i can do. well, not anything i want to do anyway. cause changing myself for these suckers isn't part of the plan. it isn't part of the goddamn story i'm trying really hard to write myself, instead of the one set out before me which, like all the others, holds change and redemption and sacrifice.
i'm writing my own story.
and whoever's reading, watching, judging
well, you can all get fucked.

something to do with a guitar and a hero. something to do with hurricanes. something to do with breaking arms. something to do with 'nobody cares.' something to do with anticipation. something to do with playlists. something to do with firsts. something to do with drifting apart. something to do with reasons. something to do with best friends. something to do with caring. something to do with counting down. something to do with getting over us. something to do with the future. something to do with pretending. something to do with closure. something to do with love hearts. something to do with giving a fuck. something to do with too many christmas decorations. something to do with glitter. something to do with old music. something to do with fifteen minutes. something to do with learning. something to do with belated presents. something to do with two hours of sleep. something to do with stupidity. something to do with regret. something to do with re-watching. something to do with you. something to do with childhood. something to do with coffee. something to do with unreality. something to do with lying. something to do with expecting the worst. something to do with hoping for the best anyway. something to do with the impossible. something to do with fear. something to do with censorship. something to do with being aware. something to do with "love." something to do with moving on. something to do with change. something to do with change. something to do with the change in your back pocket. something to do with death. something to do with bottle caps. something to do with tomorrow. something to do with dreams. something to do with apologising. something to do with failing. something to do with potential. something to do with hope. something to do with the inevitable.

something to do with saying goodbye.

merely this and nothing more

"deep into that darkness peering, long i stood there wondering, fearing,
doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
but the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token..."





i wonder what you mean to me.
you with your long hair, you with your short hair.
you whisper words into my ears, leer at me with questions in your eyes.
i can't help you.
i have no answers, no solutions.
i am not
a
problem solver.
i'm the problem maker.
didn't you realise, didn't you know
i'm only trying to make this easier on all of us.
but saying goodbye in reality doesn't happen like it does in the movies.

YOU ALL CONFUSE ME SO DAMN FUCKING MUCH.
and this is where i'm meant to have it all figured out.
this is where i'm meant to know.
wanna know something ?

i have no idea.
clue me in when you get my call for help.

i have a bone to pick with you.

but then i realised some things are better off left unsaid, and i didn't bother.
(or maybe i'm finally starting to realise the things in life that are actually worth trying for.)

i (honest to god) never EVER thought this would happen.

you fucked me up a little.
you let me have fun.
you showed me stars.
you showed me boys.
you showed me friends.
you were honest.
you were a little cruel.
you were humid and sandy.
you had good times.
you had a few bad.
you showed me who i am, who i can be, who i don't want to be, who i should be.
you made things better when they were worse.
you made things worse when they were better.
you made me question myself, my friends, the strangers around me.
you showed me drunkeness and kisses and stars and lovers and sadness and reality and unreality and confusion and weirdness and loneliness and longing and love and happiness and laughs and honesty and unexpectedness and surprise.
you helped me make memories to last forever.






the (honest to god) truth is
i miss you.

"i know that i know nothing." - socrates

"there are many things that i would like to say to you/but i don't know how."

i don't know how.



















so i just don't say anything at all.