27.2.11
you start thinking you understand. there are answers. no more questions. everything is solved. fuck that. you don't understand anything, there are always questions; a never ending stream of mindless nothings revealing shit all about anyone and anything. they're there to make life more complicated. live for the present ? god i don't get that. but i'll do it for you. and that's where i get fucked over. by myself. good on you, confusing everyone around you but mostly just your own self. ha, if i could change anything about this world it would be human fucking nature and even then i'm sure it would find some other kind of way to screw it all up. this world is a bottomless pit of unmet expections and broken hearts. that's the reality. deal with it.
20.2.11
change your mind. please.
they say the universe has a funny sense of humour. that every happy ending is merely a prelude to life's next tragedy. forgive me if that sounds like last year's woes all over again, but i'm done with being sorry for not being sorry. i suppose it's mostly my fault for thinking you'd actually care enough to meet me halfway. call it wilful ignorance if you will; the truth is you're looking for something you once had, something that came with strings attached, something that you tore apart with your own hands.
everyone's fighting a battle.
some aren't worth going to war over.
and this is where you come into the picture.
i'm not sure if it was about me trying to have the courage of my conviction,
or just me trying to save face.
you could say it goes back to me ignoring my better judgement when i used those words.
maybe i was optimistic for once.
(god, no. that can't be it.)
i'll let you know when i've taken complete leave of my senses, and we'll try it all over again, okay?
until then, i'll bite my tongue and you -
well, that's for the 'parallel universe you' to decide.
(i'm almost certain there's nothing left here for us anymore.)
you're a real class act, aren't you?
and to think, that was what i once liked about you.
"he's learnt his lesson."
"he actually said that?"
"well, not in so many words..."
gosh, will wonders ever cease?
perhaps awe and amazement and wonder isn't the way to go.
perhaps this is.
three cheers to writing people off and trying to get things off your mind?
they were wrong when they said you couldn't have it all.
and you're not taking that from me.
i'll find another way to save them,
one that doesn't involve you.
so here it is: our mutually assured destruction.
we can finally stop pretending problems don't exist.
are you smiling yet?
all i ask is that you smile.
this is painful enough as it is.
this is the same as last time,
except this time i'll wish for it.
(what a lovely sentiment, right?)
talk about irony.
i guess i'm back to leading my quiet life of desperation.
(and dedicating the rest of my life to destroying you.
you taught me that, remember?)
p.s. i liked us better when we weren't a cliché.
everyone's fighting a battle.
some aren't worth going to war over.
and this is where you come into the picture.
i'm not sure if it was about me trying to have the courage of my conviction,
or just me trying to save face.
you could say it goes back to me ignoring my better judgement when i used those words.
maybe i was optimistic for once.
(god, no. that can't be it.)
i'll let you know when i've taken complete leave of my senses, and we'll try it all over again, okay?
until then, i'll bite my tongue and you -
well, that's for the 'parallel universe you' to decide.
(i'm almost certain there's nothing left here for us anymore.)
you're a real class act, aren't you?
and to think, that was what i once liked about you.
"he's learnt his lesson."
"he actually said that?"
"well, not in so many words..."
gosh, will wonders ever cease?
perhaps awe and amazement and wonder isn't the way to go.
perhaps this is.
three cheers to writing people off and trying to get things off your mind?
they were wrong when they said you couldn't have it all.
and you're not taking that from me.
i'll find another way to save them,
one that doesn't involve you.
so here it is: our mutually assured destruction.
we can finally stop pretending problems don't exist.
are you smiling yet?
all i ask is that you smile.
this is painful enough as it is.
this is the same as last time,
except this time i'll wish for it.
(what a lovely sentiment, right?)
talk about irony.
i guess i'm back to leading my quiet life of desperation.
(and dedicating the rest of my life to destroying you.
you taught me that, remember?)
p.s. i liked us better when we weren't a cliché.
goddamn unattainable happiness.
it comes and goes like the sun on a cloudy day.
grab ahold if it comes close enough.
don't let go, never let go.
grab ahold if it comes close enough.
don't let go, never let go.
17.2.11
15.2.11
n u m b
i am tired now.
i was hoping it could end, like the day and then the night.
it doesn't though.
so i'll just have to pretend it does.
i'll never learn, but at least i know. you'll go on thinking you're changing, but you won't and don't and can't.
you're unconsciously resolute in who you are, and not in a good way.
please, miss me when i'm gone.
i was hoping it could end, like the day and then the night.
it doesn't though.
so i'll just have to pretend it does.
i'll never learn, but at least i know. you'll go on thinking you're changing, but you won't and don't and can't.
you're unconsciously resolute in who you are, and not in a good way.
please, miss me when i'm gone.
14.2.11
resolution
i'll admit it.
you surprised me.
it's funny; i'm not sure exactly what i was expecting, just certainly not this.
no anger, no spite, no resentment.
acceptance? maybe.
i guess reconciliation is in the air after all.
(not to the way it was, but to something greater than what we've got now.)
we'realmost getting there.
you surprised me.
it's funny; i'm not sure exactly what i was expecting, just certainly not this.
no anger, no spite, no resentment.
acceptance? maybe.
i guess reconciliation is in the air after all.
(not to the way it was, but to something greater than what we've got now.)
we're
"no longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild."
i want alexander supertramp.
i want romeo montague.
i want donnie darko.
i want jonah griggs.
i want mr darcy.
i want harry potter.
i want frodo baggins.
i want han solo.
i want superman.
i want roses and the crook of an elbow.
i want kisses on the doorstep at the end of the night.
i want candle lit tables and dancing.
i want something that doesn't exist except in stories and fairytales.
i want this because we all know the fantasy is better than the reality.
i want romeo montague.
i want donnie darko.
i want jonah griggs.
i want mr darcy.
i want harry potter.
i want frodo baggins.
i want han solo.
i want superman.
i want roses and the crook of an elbow.
i want kisses on the doorstep at the end of the night.
i want candle lit tables and dancing.
i want something that doesn't exist except in stories and fairytales.
i want this because we all know the fantasy is better than the reality.
12.2.11
i'm going to bed early cause i'm getting tired of wasting my time thinking about you.
please,
stay out of my dreams tonight.
stay out of my dreams tonight.
11.2.11
reel
"because we're mortal. because any moment might be our last. everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. you will never be lovelier than you are now. we will never be here again."
10.2.11
life lesson #1,986: this isn't a joke.
"maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. it's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. ruin is the road to transformation."
8.2.11
7.2.11
i n s p i r e me please.
I look back to the one and only summer time
And my girl was the envy of every friend of mine
She slept safely in my arms
We were so young and invincible
Closed lips, she was never one to kiss and tell
Those trips in the summer never went so well
Young love is such dumb love
Call it what you want it was still enough
And you're still out of me reach
And you're still all of the things
That I want in my life
How could I ask you to leave me?
And we were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tare us apart?
Our breath smelled of cigarettes and alcohol
We'd walk down the beach counting every star
Our hearts beat inside our chest
Leaving us gasping for every breath
Her smile with the wind blowing through her hair
Was so contagious in the air
So satisfying and I'm still smiling
And you're still out of me reach
And you're still all of the things
That I want in my life
How could I ask you to leave me?
And we were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tare us apart?
We're falling down, can we pick up the pieces?
We're at an all time low, how do we get it back?
We're falling down, can we pick up the pieces?
We're falling down, can we pick up the pieces now?
And we were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tare us....
We were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tare us apart?
We were just kids in love
The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
The first kiss stole the breath from my lips
Why did the last one tare us apart?
mayday parade, kids in love
6.2.11
i was having a good day and you fucking ruined it.
i'm pretty good at being me until i remember that you exist, until you remind me that you exist. then everything i think i am goes up in flames and i'm stuck with the person i used to be and the person i could be. where's that? fucked if i know. i could do without your bullshit for once in my life but i know without a shadow of a doubt that it'll be there again tomorrow and the next day and the next day and just forever. it's who you are, i guess. and i never asked for any of this shit to happen, it just did and does and will. and i don't know if that makes it better or worse but there you go. there's some part of me that gets it, knows what the fuck i'm doing, what the fuck i want, but i don't know if i'll ever find it in amongst the other parts inside of me all wanting/thinking/doing different things at the same time. and i hate that i make everything a million times more confusing than it should be but it happens accidently in my head when i think too much about the shit we go through. i don't mean to hate anyone. i don't mean to love everyone. i feel the way i do and that's that. but if i allow myself this way of living, i have to let you too, yeah? double standards suck.
5.2.11
4.2.11
This should have ended when last year did.
You know, I only expect such things from you because there are people in my life who do live up to (and occasionally surpass) those expectations. I guess I really shouldn't compare you to them though. It's not fair on you, nor on them, when clearly you're leagues apart.
Here come the double standards.
What can I say, you brought this upon yourself.
Ps. I've concluded that we have vastly different notions of what needs to be done and said here, so just a head's up, sure it's a start, but I'm not that easily convinced. Sorry.
And stop bringing up the trivial things. That's not even the issue at hand here. It's merely water under the bridge. Merely that and nothing greater.
And sure, you could say the same for me. But I'm not the one trying to justify my actions now. I was fine leaving it the way it was. Yes, that means what you think it does.
Here come the double standards.
What can I say, you brought this upon yourself.
Ps. I've concluded that we have vastly different notions of what needs to be done and said here, so just a head's up, sure it's a start, but I'm not that easily convinced. Sorry.
And stop bringing up the trivial things. That's not even the issue at hand here. It's merely water under the bridge. Merely that and nothing greater.
And sure, you could say the same for me. But I'm not the one trying to justify my actions now. I was fine leaving it the way it was. Yes, that means what you think it does.
Yes I am.
Sometimes the events that transpire happen because we force them to, when we favour passion and want over reason. Other times change comes about so gradually, so subtly, that it takes months to realise we're in completely different places, and by then it's almost impossible to see through the smoke, let alone who's still standing there.
You can blame it on fear. On ignorance. On anxiety. On distance. You can call me a hypocrite. A bitch. Whatever you want. But really, what will any of that do? Certain situations call for words, others for action; the art lies in knowing the difference.
This is getting so old.
I'm not entirely sure what's at stake here, if it's worth all this, and I suppose that makes me a terrible person. I guess I've learnt not to dwell too much on the past, not to get too caught up in nostalgia. The past is only the past, and while I do appreciate the memories, there's really no point in obsessing over the perpetual 'what if' and trying to recreate something that just might be long gone.
I don't know what this means. I don't know what to do now, nor where this is going. A part of me wants to let it all go, do what they all say and let bygones be bygones. Take the high road. And the other part of me never wants to see you again.
Go ahead. Judge me.
I know forgiving and acceptance of the blame is the 'right' thing to do here. Maybe. Surely there are some things you can't completely fix though. Heck, I don't even know anymore. If there's even a right and wrong in this situation. I do know that it all comes back to perspective, coupled with a distinct absence of communication. (And no, emotionless words that fit into your hand do not count).
One thing I don't understand is why you said some of those things, when we had proven just the exact opposite before, and if you considered me to be, well, I don't need to say it again, do I?
And yes, it did hurt. Even if you didn't mean it out of spite, or even purpose, what was I supposed to think? Then pride gets in the way, and hence the ensuing, and almost inevitable, conflict.
Newsflash. People change. Even without them noticing. And that does include you and me.
You can blame it on fear. On ignorance. On anxiety. On distance. You can call me a hypocrite. A bitch. Whatever you want. But really, what will any of that do? Certain situations call for words, others for action; the art lies in knowing the difference.
This is getting so old.
I'm not entirely sure what's at stake here, if it's worth all this, and I suppose that makes me a terrible person. I guess I've learnt not to dwell too much on the past, not to get too caught up in nostalgia. The past is only the past, and while I do appreciate the memories, there's really no point in obsessing over the perpetual 'what if' and trying to recreate something that just might be long gone.
I don't know what this means. I don't know what to do now, nor where this is going. A part of me wants to let it all go, do what they all say and let bygones be bygones. Take the high road. And the other part of me never wants to see you again.
Go ahead. Judge me.
I know forgiving and acceptance of the blame is the 'right' thing to do here. Maybe. Surely there are some things you can't completely fix though. Heck, I don't even know anymore. If there's even a right and wrong in this situation. I do know that it all comes back to perspective, coupled with a distinct absence of communication. (And no, emotionless words that fit into your hand do not count).
One thing I don't understand is why you said some of those things, when we had proven just the exact opposite before, and if you considered me to be, well, I don't need to say it again, do I?
And yes, it did hurt. Even if you didn't mean it out of spite, or even purpose, what was I supposed to think? Then pride gets in the way, and hence the ensuing, and almost inevitable, conflict.
Newsflash. People change. Even without them noticing. And that does include you and me.
2.2.11
what would be the last thing you'd want to see before you died?
i would want to see the horizon over an ocean.
orange and yellow lights glistening on broken shards of... grass.
happy faces reflected in an ocean of possibilities.
i would want to see icicles falling in the sunlight, melting as they touched my eyelids.
i would want hands reaching out for me, calling me back, urging me on.
full white clouds bouncing over a bright blue sky.
a kite fluttering in the wind.
painless, painful.
the end.
orange and yellow lights glistening on broken shards of... grass.
happy faces reflected in an ocean of possibilities.
i would want to see icicles falling in the sunlight, melting as they touched my eyelids.
i would want hands reaching out for me, calling me back, urging me on.
full white clouds bouncing over a bright blue sky.
a kite fluttering in the wind.
painless, painful.
the end.
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