i am sad and my eyes hurt.
you make me laugh, cause you're a little sad too and i wish i knew you better (despite this impossibility).
i can't get over my own stupidity, laziness. even in writing this i can see my procrastination emblazoned across this laptop screen, this blog post.
earphones in my ears, cat at my feet.
failure.
that is what i embody. trying to change it, but it's not working too well yet. living up to expectations (even if they're your own) is harder than you'd think (unless you've tried it, in which case, good on you).
i give myself time limits in order to make myself go faster, try harder. it doesn't work. ever. there are no exceptions.
it's sad, at this point in my life. sad that i didn't try harder, haven't tried harder, am not trying harder, am still trying hard.
i don't know.
i get confused too easily.
and probably cry a bit too much (secretly, so no one ever knows).
i love a little too hard, in partiulcar unattainable beings (like famous band members and characters from fictional books).
however, i love someone very real.
you'll never know her, though, unless you do. and if you do, count yourself lucky. she's changing lives, that one.
i got my hair cut properly for the first time in over four years. it's a wonderful change. usually the unexpected hits us in the face like a cold, hard wave when we're swimming. usually we swallow some old, murky, ocean water.
22 and a half days. let's just say i'm counting down out of exitement, not boredom or nerves or looming sadness. i have never wanted anything so badly (or if i did i've forgotten it in this desire).
i've gone over my cap again but i'll keep texting them all anyway, because i can't not, you know ?
this is so honest, i'm shocked at myself. like when you wake up after an amazing night and look in the mirror and ask, am i still me? like you'd be different. like you probably are. i'm holding out for a night like that.
see you soon, yeah ?
i'll walk past you on the street, but you won't notice me.
you usually don't.
5.9.10
3.9.10
2.9.10
you're a mindfuck
we're taught to envy what isn't ours, what can't be ours. we're taught to wander 'what if?'. we're taught to hate others because we can't be like them. this is all we're trained to see: perfection in everybody else but ourselves.
is this in my mind or yours?
i don't know why you get to do this to me.
again and again and again and again.
the pain, raw and fresh every time;
did you mean any of it?
i believe(d) every word of it,
yet somehow seeing it still gives us (me) that cold heartbeat of knowing it couldn't be.
so maybe i'm not over it.
maybe this is all it will ever be, empty words on a page that will never be read through the right eyes anyway.
i mean, what's a dream if it can actually come true, right?
maybe we'll never end up where we're meant to be.
maybe there isn't a 'meant to be', but only paths we go along only to realise we didn't even pick them in the first place. no, we're led by jealousy and greed and selfishness and self-preservation and suffocating ambition and apathy. they're little monsters that take our little hands and guide our little feet along until it's too late to click our little heels and wish for home.
and then,
we are broken by hurt.
and that's it,
that's all,
hurt.
fuck it.
this is so last year.
i might see you whenever we're (i'm) finally moving on.
is this in my mind or yours?
i don't know why you get to do this to me.
again and again and again and again.
the pain, raw and fresh every time;
did you mean any of it?
i believe(d) every word of it,
yet somehow seeing it still gives us (me) that cold heartbeat of knowing it couldn't be.
so maybe i'm not over it.
maybe this is all it will ever be, empty words on a page that will never be read through the right eyes anyway.
i mean, what's a dream if it can actually come true, right?
maybe we'll never end up where we're meant to be.
maybe there isn't a 'meant to be', but only paths we go along only to realise we didn't even pick them in the first place. no, we're led by jealousy and greed and selfishness and self-preservation and suffocating ambition and apathy. they're little monsters that take our little hands and guide our little feet along until it's too late to click our little heels and wish for home.
and then,
we are broken by hurt.
and that's it,
that's all,
hurt.
fuck it.
this is so last year.
i might see you whenever we're (i'm) finally moving on.
1.9.10
if we're fucked up you're to blame.
we are taught from early beginnings to be whatever we can; set our heights high, aim for the sky, reach reach godamnit reach. we learn to fall and get up again and up again and up again. each and every single time we fall we are told to get to our feet and limp on, despite our broken ankles and aching heads, despite our aching hearts.
we don't ask for things, take things for granted. we don't use people, hate people, make people.
at least, we're taught not to.
some of us, along the way, get a little lost.
some of us, along the way, lose sight of the bigger picture.
we are deterred by love and hate and feelings beyond our control.
we are deterred by loss.
hopefully, though, one way or the other, we will end up where we are meant to be.
fingers crossed.
we don't ask for things, take things for granted. we don't use people, hate people, make people.
at least, we're taught not to.
some of us, along the way, get a little lost.
some of us, along the way, lose sight of the bigger picture.
we are deterred by love and hate and feelings beyond our control.
we are deterred by loss.
hopefully, though, one way or the other, we will end up where we are meant to be.
fingers crossed.
ragged & halfway
for what it's worth, i wish this wasn't so.
(there are few who will know where their hearts truly lie)
(there are few who will know where their hearts truly lie)
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