i was having a good day and you fucking ruined it.

i'm pretty good at being me until i remember that you exist, until you remind me that you exist. then everything i think i am goes up in flames and i'm stuck with the person i used to be and the person i could be. where's that? fucked if i know. i could do without your bullshit for once in my life but i know without a shadow of a doubt that it'll be there again tomorrow and the next day and the next day and just forever. it's who you are, i guess. and i never asked for any of this shit to happen, it just did and does and will. and i don't know if that makes it better or worse but there you go. there's some part of me that gets it, knows what the fuck i'm doing, what the fuck i want, but i don't know if i'll ever find it in amongst the other parts inside of me all wanting/thinking/doing different things at the same time. and i hate that i make everything a million times more confusing than it should be but it happens accidently in my head when i think too much about the shit we go through. i don't mean to hate anyone. i don't mean to love everyone. i feel the way i do and that's that. but if i allow myself this way of living, i have to let you too, yeah? double standards suck.

I suppose the purpose of the past two pages of rambling was me trying to say that I don't want to try and make things go back to the way it was.

This should have ended when last year did.

You know, I only expect such things from you because there are people in my life who do live up to (and occasionally surpass) those expectations. I guess I really shouldn't compare you to them though. It's not fair on you, nor on them, when clearly you're leagues apart.

Here come the double standards.

What can I say, you brought this upon yourself.

Ps. I've concluded that we have vastly different notions of what needs to be done and said here, so just a head's up, sure it's a start, but I'm not that easily convinced. Sorry.

And stop bringing up the trivial things. That's not even the issue at hand here. It's merely water under the bridge. Merely that and nothing greater.

And sure, you could say the same for me. But I'm not the one trying to justify my actions now. I was fine leaving it the way it was. Yes, that means what you think it does.

Yes I am.

Sometimes the events that transpire happen because we force them to, when we favour passion and want over reason. Other times change comes about so gradually, so subtly, that it takes months to realise we're in completely different places, and by then it's almost impossible to see through the smoke, let alone who's still standing there.

You can blame it on fear. On ignorance. On anxiety. On distance. You can call me a hypocrite. A bitch. Whatever you want. But really, what will any of that do? Certain situations call for words, others for action; the art lies in knowing the difference.

This is getting so old.

I'm not entirely sure what's at stake here, if it's worth all this, and I suppose that makes me a terrible person. I guess I've learnt not to dwell too much on the past, not to get too caught up in nostalgia. The past is only the past, and while I do appreciate the memories, there's really no point in obsessing over the perpetual 'what if' and trying to recreate something that just might be long gone.

I don't know what this means. I don't know what to do now, nor where this is going. A part of me wants to let it all go, do what they all say and let bygones be bygones. Take the high road. And the other part of me never wants to see you again.

Go ahead. Judge me.

I know forgiving and acceptance of the blame is the 'right' thing to do here. Maybe. Surely there are some things you can't completely fix though. Heck, I don't even know anymore. If there's even a right and wrong in this situation. I do know that it all comes back to perspective, coupled with a distinct absence of communication. (And no, emotionless words that fit into your hand do not count).

One thing I don't understand is why you said some of those things, when we had proven just the exact opposite before, and if you considered me to be, well, I don't need to say it again, do I?

And yes, it did hurt. Even if you didn't mean it out of spite, or even purpose, what was I supposed to think? Then pride gets in the way, and hence the ensuing, and almost inevitable, conflict.

Newsflash. People change. Even without them noticing. And that does include you and me.

it's almost ridiculous how happy you make me.

what would be the last thing you'd want to see before you died?

i would want to see the horizon over an ocean.
orange and yellow lights glistening on broken shards of... grass.
happy faces reflected in an ocean of possibilities.
i would want to see icicles falling in the sunlight, melting as they touched my eyelids.
i would want hands reaching out for me, calling me back, urging me on.
full white clouds bouncing over a bright blue sky.
a kite fluttering in the wind.
painless, painful.
the end.

if i could say one thing to Him, it would be fuck you.