i don't believe you when you say everything will be okay.

i used to.
that was when it was easier to see the line between love and fear, before ambiguity got the better of us.

why so serious?

we could sit here and wait for the world to explode, but then we'd miss out on the dirty, little tricks and the mistakes we're supposed to make (only so we can work out whether it was even a mistake to begin with).
i mean, mistakes are only realised after the fact ...right?
so here's to fleeting friendships and moments being chased by other moments and making mistakes.
isn't it just wonderful?

would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?

"we can live forever if you've got the time."

detonator.

so it's done. and done and done and done and done. fin. end. whatever. whatever, yeah?

i'm not sure if i pictured this differently, but i am sure this is reluctance, not surprise. in hindsight, it was almost inevitable, and if i ever believed otherwise it was pure naivety. i can hear you saying right now "it goes both ways", and it did, and still does, yet i'm beginning to think i've resigned myself to what's happening, what's going to happen, what has already happened. yes, i'm a terrible person, a true, true hypocrite for saying this. it all seems like a childish, perpetual cycle of going around in circles only to realise you're chasing your own tail. nothing's changed, yet nothing's the same. perhaps the situation rolls forth in any case, and we're the only ones to change. although with that logic you'd think the situation would also change if we are. can the circumstances stay constant if we're not? or is it the other way around? i'm realising now none of this really makes any sense, because it's a time for dreaming and not for living. i don't know if this even needs to be sad, whatever the heck i'm trying to say.

there must be more to it all than just jealousy and fear. i don't know why this always happens. everything goes from fine to "fine", so i'm starting to think it was never fine to begin with. that's all we are, actors on the world stage. and then the world changes into another and it's time to burn down everything again. even after the attempts and the effort and the words and the unheard words and the half-hearted apologies, it's back to this.

you know what? i'm not even entirely sure what the issue actually is. perhaps therein lies the problem.

i hope there's something more than all of this. something bigger than punk anthems and bicycles and mixtapes and surprises and lying and favourite things. not a supreme being, a divine entity. just ...something more. when the universe is in line and you finally understand why the story unfolded as it did. but then that would imply there's something controlling our fates and there's a reason behind everything. there's comfort in that thought, knowing there's a bigger plan and we'll all end up where we're supposed to be, with the right people, at the right time. like there's someone, or something, watching over us and our mistakes aren't really mistakes, but rather just steps on the way to our destination. (happiness, not death.) but at the end of the day, i still can't accept that there's anything beyond humans controlling our futures.

luck? no.

i guess in a world where 'friend' has become almost an impersonal noun, or even a label, i shouldn't expect much more.

expectations.

maybe that's what this is all about.                                   

the ironic thing is that the ones who read this, and understand it (or at least attempt to) aren't the ones who need to.                         

and this is my fault.

is it sad that i can be honest through 'anonymous' words on a computer screen, yet there are only about three people i'd actually tell this to?

communication.

communication.

communication.

communication.

communication.

communication.

compromising.

(maybe.)

maybe it's time to stop over analysing and pretending it still matters.

maybe it's time we stopped believing in tomorrow.

maybe it's time we got over it.

maybe it's time we stopped caring.

i guess we should focus on the hope rather than the tragedy.

i mean, it can only get better, right?

(or is this me being naive again?)

(probably the latter.)

i'm sure there's some (half) truth beneath these convoluted, long-winded nothings. you don't have to figure it out though. all will be revealed one day, i'm sure.

sigh, i don't know.

this is impossible.

nevermind, right?

(and they hold up their dirty palms, cross their hearts and hope to die,

and they shout, who what will save us now?)

p.s. if you actually read through this, thank you?

no, i should say it.

and mean it.

thank you.

this shit is getting so fucking old

5 and a half years later they said to them, 'this is what it comes down to. this is when we see where you want to go from here.'
'fuck you,' cry the hormonal drug-addicted teens. they scratch at their wrists and pull at their hair. 'fuck you,' they say.
the sun rises and sets, but their lives don't move. they don't move. their music is too loud and their socks too high. they wanna grow up, let go, be young again, live, die, remember, forget, get fucked up, be fucked up for a while.



but they're starting to learn it isn't that easy to get what you want.

i don't believe in wishes, fate, destiny, true love, soul mates, forever, eternity, the after life, heaven, hell, angels, demons, friends, parents, people, human kind, the universe, extraterrestrials/other life forms/something to join in on our misery, LOVE, hate, kindness, charity, emotions, luck, words, honesty, the truth, heartbreak, happiness, tragedy, alcohol, forgetting, simplicity, laughter, smiles, the 'easy' way, the 'right' way, the 'only' way, lies, facades, the view through the window, (did i say) love, happily ever afters;

but i do believe in you.

what?

pull the pin; let this world explode.

what will save us now?

never thought i'd see the day

where i give up on you.

in spite of the obvious lame and corny implications of this post, i'll click that button.

i'll do it.

i will.

big love

when are you going to realise that
i have nothing to lose,
but you do?

nice to be here, j.

is it our happily ever after now?
or just that part in between the beginning and the end where we get to live?

welcome to the other side, p.

i think you'll like it here.

after the end

letting go isn't as easy as i always planned it to be.
careless, that's me.

mindfuck (you) me

one day i'll understand myself enough to understand you.
i promise.
i owe you that much, hey?

this isn't even as good as it's gonna get.

THE 
FUCKING
END.


11.11.10, 10:45.

note to self: get over it

as a result of the past eight hours, i now feel resigned to accept the fact, the cliché, the truth, that, after all, your silence will always speak more than your words ever did, ever will, ever could.

it's time to get away from it all, i think.

used. (heartbroken)

and then it happens,
killing the illusions of the past few days,
j o l t i n g
m e
b a c k
t o
r e a l i t y ,
abruptly,
roughly,
inevitably.

i should've warned you earlier, but

i have an obsessive personality.
hope you can deal with that.
hope i can deal with it.

we search our entire lives.

"if you need this at seventeen, i'd be worried."

it's moments like this that surprise me, that make me re-think, that i always saw coming (despite my best efforts).
i know it's trivial, and stupid, and petty and insignificant and minor and whatever and the furthest thing from your mind.
but i'm still angry.
and i don't think i can help it.

i guess it's true what they say, that you'll never truly know somebody.
by extension, no-one will ever truly know you either.
and maybe that's the problem here.

but it's okay because we're real. 

at least, that's what i keep telling myself.

(p.s. don't speak, liar.)

next week, or heck, even tomorrow, i might get over it. 

but for now, well, it's moments like this that -

"what are we doing?"

"what are we doing?"

indecision.

(the entertainment industry's a hard one.)

(especially on your feet.)

curiosity > reasoning.

cancer. 

churchill.

hugs. 

free hugs.

getting it. 

aloof?

school girls.

only one.

time turner.

bicycle.

cone.

ten.

batteries.

weirdness.

shell-shock.

yes, a homosexual!

genetics. 

inert. 

realising.

de-sensitise. 

...run, forrest, run!

"I think we just need to stop being angry."

wise words, my friend, wise words.

you're just a victim of the circumstance.

insight.

conflict and conflict and conflict.
this DRIVES the PLOT.
THIS IS A CONTRADICTION.
THIS IS ANOTHER ONE.
this means that.
this means that.
that doesn't mean anything.
this means everything.
(it once did, at least.)
metaphors.
symbolism.
symbolise










me.
link, spell, quote, foreshadow, reminisce.
this is a turning point.
this is a metamorphosis.
this is the climax.
this is the ending.
we spend forever analysing their words.
sometimes i wonder if they ever meant for any of this,
or if we're just clutching at straws,
trying to find meaning in what we don't understand.

something

we wake up
open eyes, sun burns, too hot, sweating in those clean white sheets
i didnt want to be an addict
of you
but i turned into one
toes curling, fingers grasping; something solid, something real.
where is reality when you need it ?
fuck that, i thought i told you never to mention it again
 F O R G I V E ME Y    O          U                wait, why do i need to be forgiven?
we wake up
let go hold on fall over move up let's dance !
this isn't relative, but i'd like a unicorn please.
oh, and i didn't mean it when i said i loved you. the endorphins screwed with my mind and i i i i i i i iiiiiiiii
thought i could tell the difference.
turns out i was only really lying to myself.
we wake up
into your eyes, white blue red green brown
you give me
you give me
you give me
i give you?
we wake up
to everything
the addiction the promise the hatred the heartbreak the love the eternity the goddamn love
we
fall
asleep
again
in beds of rose petals and their thorns.

"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

i think i've finally learnt not to dwell on what i can't change.
although, with this realisation comes the reluctant acceptance admission that what's done is done. and what's going to happen is going to happen. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it other than what's already been done, said, forgotten, tried, denied.
it's a shame the realisation always comes after the fact.

the past few days, they've all been written.
i'm just yet to read the ending.




this, well, it ends here.
as for the rest of it?
i'm not sure.